When I talk to new stepmoms, it always brings me back to those early stepmom years. The years where I felt the pressures, the insecurities and like everything in my life was out of my control.

Looking back, there was so much I didn’t know. But at the same time, there was so much I didn’t give myself enough credit for.

This gig is hard.

Stepmoms are struggling.
The double standards and mixed messages are confusing.
The pressure is unreal.
The stigma… well, it’s still very much a thing.

But with a few mindset shifts and strategies, your stepmom experience can be transformed.

So let’s dive into the 8 things that I did to completely transform my stepmom life.

I became more empathetic

Emphatic to the experiences of my stepkids, my husband and even the ex.

I realized that everyone in my stepfamily life is going through something, and a little bit of empathy goes a long way.

(But I also realized you can be empathetic while not tolerating disrespect. There is a difference.)

The double standard society puts on stepmoms is exhausting. Everyone has an opinion about what a stepmom should do, say, how they should act and what role she should play in her stepkid’s life, and yet no one really knows what it’s like to be a stepmom unless you’re a stepmom.

I learned to pick my battles

And I mean really pick my battles. Which, as a recovering control freak is easier said than done but deliberately letting some things go and playing the long game will pay off (almost) every single time.

I stopped being so rigid in my boundaries

I know this is the opposite of what you hear the experts say, but hear me out.

There are two ways to disengage and set boundaries.

One helps improve relationships and resets the foundation of your home…
The other makes things worse.

But what I want you to know is that you can disengage without disconnecting.
You can set boundaries while still treating your marriage as a partnership.

I learned the power of disengaging (the right way)

And I did it several times.

In fact, disengaging without disconnecting has been my number one strategy that changed the trajectory of not only my stepmom life but my marriage, too.

We dive into disengaging as a stepmom more in the workshop How To Disengage The Right Way inside KICK-ASS Stepmom. Join here to watch.

I prioritized stepmom self-care

I am far less triggered when I am taking time for myself.

Self-care could look like:

moving my body
journalling
eating healthy
reading a good book
hitting that pilates class
coffee with a girlfriend

Because when I take care of myself, I show up better for my family.

I stopped feeling guilty

I stopped feeling guilty for how I was experiencing stepmom life.

Guilty for wondering what life would be like if I didn’t marry a man with kids.
Guilty for secretly enjoying the time when the kids were with their mom.
Guilty for not feeling the way I thought I would about blended family life.

I can’t help how I feel – I am human.

I stopped taking things so personally

No really, it’s not about me.

It’s about what I represent.

It’s about the marriage that didn’t work out.
The week on, week off.
The hurt about what once was.

Learning this helped me stop taking things so personally.

I focused on the vibe of my home

I asked myself questions like:

“How do I want my husband and stepkids to feel when they walk through the door?”

“How do I want to feel in my home?”

“Is this battle worth the impact it has on the vibe of my home?”