Stepmoms are told that they are to love their stepkids like they are their own.

In theory, that’s a great idea.

But unfortunately, it’s a lot more complicated than that. For some, it’s a big ask.

Especially when kids are continuously exposed to the narrative of “You don’t have to listen to her, she’s not your mom”.

Sometimes it happens. Other times it doesn’t… leaving stepmoms feeling guilty for how they feel about their stepkids.

Without diving into the double standards and unrealistic expectations placed on stepmoms in our society (I’ll save that for a different day), it’s crucial to acknowledge that there are many factors that contribute to the stepmom/stepchild dynamic.

The Mother’s acceptance of the stepmom
The stepmom’s acceptance of her partner’s kids
How the child has coped with the divorce
Whether the parents support the role of the stepmom
If stepmom and dad are on the same page when it comes to rules and expectations
Parental Alienation
High-conflict co-parenting dynamics…

The list goes on.

When it comes to the relationship with the stepkids (and often the ex), it’s not about the stepmom herself, it’s about what she represents.

That being said, there are shifts and strategies that stepmoms can use to improve their relationship with their stepkids.

Do not discipline before you’ve created a solid foundation

Especially at the beginning, I think it’s crucial for a stepmom to let their partner take the lead on discipline and providing direction.

Yes, you get a say. Yes, you should be involved in conversations with your partner behind the scenes. But letting your partner take the lead is always a good move.

Check your ego and assess what’s working

I always encourage stepmoms to ask themselves, “Is what I am doing working?”

If you’re constantly at odds with one of your stepkids, it may be time to take a step back.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it

When you need to provide direction or ask the kids to do something they should have done, consider your delivery. Is it stern and “nagging” or friendly and collaborative?

I 100% get the frustration of kids not following through or needing to be reminded of the same thing multiple times, but the delivery of the requests can make a huge difference in the vibe of your home.

Make light of situations

I had been asking my stepson to tackle his room for weeks, and it never seemed to happen. One day, when we were driving, I said

“Hey, so I’ve asked you to tackle that bedroom for a few weeks now, and there isn’t much happening in there. When do you think it would be reasonable for me to lose my sh*t?”

(He’s 17)

He laughed and said, “hmmm, I think if I don’t get it done by tomorrow, that would be reasonable.”

We agreed and laughed.

He had it done the following day.

This was a much lighter approach than yelling and creating tension.

Give choice and time

“Hey, would you like to have a bath now or in 15 minutes?”
“Hey, I need some help around the house today. Do you want to do the dishwasher or shovel the walk?”

Learn their love language

Connecting with your stepkids can be difficult, especially if you’re not super lovey-dovey. Stepmoms often report feeling like they don’t know how to connect, especially when the kids are older.

Try learning your stepkids love language.

In my Q+A with my stepson on my podcast, he was asked, “How do you know Jamie loves you?” He said, “She does things like puts leftovers in containers for me to take for lunch.”
His love language is acts of service and words of affirmation.

When I want to connect or reset the foundation of our relationship, I show up in a way that he really appreciates.

Send Tik Toks + Reels

Speak their language and send Tik Tok’s and Reels that may resonate with them. It’s a great way to connect without having to say much.

Ask their input

There is so much power in having a collaborative approach when it comes to structure, rules and running your home. Sit down with your stepkids and ask them what they feel is working. Get their input and help them feel like they have a voice.

To learn more about the power of having a collaborative family meeting, listen to this podcast episode with Parenting Expert Alyson Shafer.

P.S If you’re looking for more support in improving your relationship with your stepkids, check out my workshop, How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Stepkids, available inside KICK-ASS Stepmom. 

Other workshops include 
How To Disengage The Right WAY
How to Communicate With Your Partner About Stepfamily Stress 
How To Set The Foundation For Stepfamily Success