HCBM is a popular label in the stepmom community.

It stands for “high-conflict birth mom”.

I want to encourage those who use the HCBM label to reconsider.

This may not go over well with some stepmoms, but hear me out. 

I am in no way suggesting that you are not dealing with a high-conflict personality. You probably are.  But when you label someone as HCBM, it impacts how you go into every interaction with them. It’s not necessary or helpful.

It’s a blanket statement when, many times, actions are situational.

When we deal with conflict, the goal is to neutralize the situation.

Adding the HCBM label adds more emotion to it and prevents us from looking at it from a neutral standpoint. It also impacts how we perceive and address situations.

Your back is already up.

You’ve already decided she’s being high-conflict before the situation even plays out.

When she does have good intentions, your language has already primed you for conflict. 

Empathy is huge when you’re co-parenting. Everyone comes from a different perspective and shows up based on their fears, insecurities and narratives. You know the saying, hurt people, hurt people? It’s true.

Conflict in co-parenting relationships is a special kind of hell. It makes a difficult situation even more challenging.

I am in no way minimizing the pain and suffering that these high-conflict relationships can have on a person and a family.

When someone acts in a highly conflict way, they are often acting out of hurt, insecurity, fear or grief.

I am not saying these behaviours are okay or that you need to tolerate them. Boundaries are key. You don’t need to tolerate disrespect.

But in my opinion, this label is not helpful. Especially as you try and move forward and minimize the impact that conflict has on your family.

Again, the goal is to minimize conflict. These little mindset shifts can go a long way.

P.S If you want more on minimizing conflict within your high-conflict co-parenting relationship, check out KICK-ASS Stepmom.