It’s common for women to feel like our value is defined in our ability to care for others.

Society has conditioned us to be nurturing, accommodating and caring.

When people see a Mom doing all the things and going above and beyond for her kids and her partner, you often hear “you’re such a good mom. I don’t know how you do it all”.

Instead of saying… “you don’t have to do it all you know?” 

In the last several years, women have been told we can do it all.

And we can.

But at what cost?

The big job, the perfect kids, the extra curricular, the social life. Despite working full time hours, women still take on the majority of the emotional and domestic labour of the homes.

Stepmoms are no exception.

The only difference for stepmoms is that we feel like we have more to prove.

I know that’s true for me and for the women inside KICK-ASS Stepmom.

As a stepmom, the pressure is even stronger.

There’s unrealistic expectations and double standards.

Love your stepkids like they’re your own, but don’t overstep.
Go all in but make sure you know your place.

It’s common for women in stepmom roles to feel damned if they do damned if they don’t.

They are.

SO we try harder.
We ruminate.
We dwell.
We strive for perfection.
We say yes even though it makes us feel resentful.
We go all in doing all the things for all the people until one day you are exhausted, unappreciated and feel like you’ve lost yourself.

When I first became a stepmom, I was no exception.
I strived for perfection.

Great meals, clean home, Pinterest-perfect activities.

I said yes to every task and every opportunity to show up for my stepkids.

One day in the kitchen my husband and I got in a huge argument.

“I don’t do any of the things I use to do anymore. I used to go to yoga, book stores, coffee shops and spend time with my friends. I gave it all up for you guys”.

“No one asked you to, you did that on your own” he responded.

He was right.

I neglected the things that I love because showing up for everyone else became my priority.

It backfired.

Years down the road, here’s what I want you to know.

You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to be a good stepmom.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Stepmoms often report feeling:

Anxious
Consumed
Depleted
Triggered
Frustrated
Good enough until their not…

Here’s a hard truth.

You’re feeling overwhelmed because you don’t have the proper strategies in place to manage everything that comes with this role. That includes taking care of yourself.

I encourage stepmoms to ask themselves, “is what I am doing working?”

Am I feeling the way I want to feel?

If things were working in your stepfamily life…

You wouldn’t feel triggered and consumed by things outside your control.
You wouldn’t feel resentful, overwhelmed, and anxious.
You wouldn’t be sweating the small stuff.

You can have the best intentions and do all the things for all the people, but if you don’t have the proper mindset and are not doing the work on yourself, then you’re not going to feel the way you want to feel.

You’re not going to show up the way you want to show up.

When I started to prioritize myself as much as I was prioritizing everyone else, stepmom life didn’t feel so triggering anymore. 

You can’t control the uncontrollable parts of being a stepmom. That comes with the territory. 

But what you can control is how you handle it. 

How you show up for your family. 

How you deal with the things that trigger the F out of you.

Remember, being a good stepmom starts with taking care of you.